Rush Limbaugh
Dr. Rush Limbaugh MD, PhD is a board certified neurologist and the man credited with inventing talk radio. Before him, nobody talked on radio. It was known as the era of tongueless radio. Known as America's Newsman, Rush is considered a Great American by The Greatest President. However, many people just think he is a big fat idiot. It is also a well known fact that he is a founder and the most important member of the band Rush. Mr Limbaugh began his radio career on KFBK in the city of Sacramento where he began an illicit affair with several barnyard animals in a nearby farm. It was here that Rush gained his greatest noterity....his weight. Packing on more than 500 pounds and all above the neck, not fat, but brain power. All doorways in studios where Rush works have been altered to allow his swollen orb to pass through, not as security against angry listeners as godless Liberals would have you think. Rush is a decent and pure human being. Nothing is to be inferred from the fact he was recently found returning from a foreign country known for child prostitution while hauling a wheelbarrow full of Viagra. Nope, nothing suspicious there. Rush On The Internets Rush's site contains the exact date when he feels that Al Gore will destroy Earth. His site also contains an overwhelming stack of important truthiness. He possesses a great power called bloviation which invalidates all arguments from liberals and any other beings deranged enough who attempt combat his perfect truthiness with facts. Rush On Drugs Limbaugh has been a painkiller addict as well as an avid supporter of the War on Users (all except himself) On October 10, 2003, Limbaugh admitted to listeners on his radio show that he had abused (Chilled on MAD oxy 80's) prescription painkillers and stated that he would enter inpatient treatment for 30 days and come out of the closet, immediately following the broadcast. He did not specifically mention which pain medications he had been abusing, but he did tell us that he loved every minute of it. Speaking about his behavior, Limbaugh went on to say: "Oxycontin 160mg should be made legal and every child should chill on such products, and their parents shall vote Republican". Following Limbaugh's admission of drug abuse, his detractors reviewed prior statements by him about drug use as examples of hypocrisy and lunacy. Several statements were found, in particular, on October 5, 1995: "There's nothing good about drug use except when I use. I know it. It destroys individuals and makes me laugh at how they can't handle their stuff. It destroys families. Drug use strengthens societies. Drug use, some might say, is destroying this country, and they could not be more wrong. And we have laws against selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing drugs, but seriously why. And the laws are good because we know what happens to people in societies and neighborhoods, which become consumed by them, except up by my crib. And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to have a bong and they ought to be commended and they ought to be sent up to my house so I can see what their sellin!" "What this says to me is that too many whites are getting away with drug use, too many whites are getting away with drug sales, too many whites are getting away with trafficking in this stuff, which only means that I should be making these runs, then I wouldn't have to do radio anymore. The answer is to go out and find the ones who are getting away with it, and sending them my way, then I'll have all the drugs in the world, party at my mansion, bring the ladies Cheney!!!" Limbaugh later claimed that Americans should "excuse his drug use", as it is all the fault of his "hippy, godless, hill-billy parents", who raped him as a child, and forced him to take hundreds of different drugs; crack, smack, speed, meth, junk, dirt, trash, shit, dope, weed, coke, pot, angeldust, glue, happy pills, and countless others. Rush, brave hero that he is, has managed to kick every last one of these habits, except, of course, for Oxy-Contin. This, he says, is because he can "quit when ever he feels like it." And, the beauty of it is, he "can start again in a couple minutes, or whenever, you know?". It is perported that Limbaugh uses the transcripts of his radio show to roll joints. Rush denies this, as he "kicked that shit yesterday" because its "for gay hippies like Michael J. Fox" Rush on Michael J. Fox Dr. Limbaugh was able to determine that "Mr." Fox has been faking his Parkinson's disease for the past decade, all as part of a clever ploy to film a 30-second ad for Democrats. Fox actually wants to make it legal to snort human embryos in order to get high. Rush has bigly, hugely apologized to Mr. Fox, if in fact, Fox is actually diseased and not merely 'acting.' Rush On Loyalty Dr. Limbaugh announced the day after the midterm election of 2006 that he will quit his job as "water-carrier". He gave no other details, but danced like a Parkinson-faker while he spoke. Rush on Black People "I mean, why didn't these morons leave New Orleans before the hurricane? I'll tell you why: because they wanted to rape and loot! That's just the way some people are! And if they're black--if the rapists and looters are black--it's not George Bush's fault! We've had these problems ever since the Emancipation Proclamation. Once the whites leave town, all you've got is overwhelming lawlessness. That's not racism, Mr. Snerdley; it's a proven, demonstrable fact. Have you even seen a ghetto in Greenwich, Connecticut? I rest my case." September 2005 "They oughtta change Black History Month to Black Progress Month and start measuring it." February 2006 Rush, Harry Reid and Phony Soldiers IN 2007, liberals infiltrated EIB studios and planted illicit drugs and sabotaged the transmitting equipment. Unbeknownst to America's Inner Voice, what the liberals planted in his studios that day were false and misleading statements they were going to use to frame The Great Mr. Limbaugh with immediately after his broadcast. That day, King Rush finished another telethon (his millionth that week) to help the troops, babies, the homeless and a home for young boys in the Dominican Republic. When out of no where, the equipment malfunctioned and a voice very similar to Rush's (police later discovered it was a simulation device) began insulting the troops and the American way of life. The phone lines lit up, as listeners from around the world (Rush is the highest rating show on Armed Forces Radio) called in to find out what had gone wrong as Rush, the professional that he is, would never use such foul language or be so confused as to misspeak. The liberal media liars were able to post the "speech" online as soon as it was aired along with a transcript, proving they were the ones who created it in the first place. Undeterred, Rush wrote a letter to Harry Reid informing him that he will not stop supporting the troops (and one assumes babies, the homeless and that home for young boys in the Dominican Republic as well). Harry Reid then rewrote the letter and put it up for auction on The eBay, claiming he would send the money to a charity to help homeless baby troops (bot no home for boys in the Dominican Republic) Within seconds, George Soros (using the name "Pelosi's Lover") bought it for $99,999,999.99. Reid claimed the sale of this letter proved he was right and that even though the money would go to the Harry Reid Charitable Fund For Homeless Baby Troops, he would not see one penny of it, even though he was the paid director of the foundation. Rush Limbaugh Trivia * Rush Limbaugh is an all American Patriot * He is an excellent breakdancer, as shown on The Report * He eats nine turkeys every morning, bones and all. * Mr. Limbaugh and Papa Bear O'Reilly share many of the same viewpoints. REAL Americans Reporting REAL News. * Rush loves his grandmother * Rush Limbaugh has graciously offered to donate painkillers to any Republican senate candidate who lost the 2006 elections if they give birth to a potential republican voter after receiving a uterus trasplant. * Rush and Tony Snow are the two biggest feminists alive today. * In 1969, Rush was the first person standing in the draft line to fight in Vietnam, but couldn't go due to a chafing cyst on his anus. See Also *Bill O'Reilly *Ann Coulter *Sean Hannity *Real American *shameless *Stemcellocracy External Sources *Rush Limbaughpedia *Rush's Favorite Long and Firm Treat *Rush in Time Magazine artistically drawn *Vanity Rush *Rush's Al Gore Doomsday Countdown - a wacko World Destruction scenario without Satan